maths paper 1 was...to be honest..attemptable.shall not be complacent and say its easy (like what many said) cos i know my own maths standard since arriving in NJ, but surprisingly i could do the questions..jus hope i get my B for maths.
for the 1st time i felt so freaking anxious because of 1 paper.i know anyone who takes exams will try their best to do their best (regardless of all the nonsense abt jus do whatever you can and no one will criticise you if u tried your hardest), and i've more or less tekan myself thru this paper.didn't exactly torture myself cos i didn't wake up at 2am every night as i tried to (no idea why i even bothered setting 2 alarm clocks when my ill-discipline will see me snooze both), but i did just enuf to send me shaking even when i'm having my lunch, or downright restless even when i try to take a 20min nap.is that torture enuf?
i mite look care-free, but that's the outer shell.under this skin of pure ignorance is a weary and bewildered soul..and when i'm stressed i know.how stressed can you be when you rush thru the brushing of your teeth jus to get down to work?how stressed can you be when your head spins like a washing machine, yet the moment you lie down and close your eyes, your eyelids pop right open again?how stressed can you be when the only thought you have in your sleep are either nothing, or frantic attempts at recalling whatever you just read frm a TYS as though u were afraid the sandman might steal it away?how stressed can you be when your family laughs and joy spreads around the living room, yet you find yourself the only sullen one, the only one sulking, and the you realise the faint smiles you put up are so fake you feel insulted jus by twitching those facial muscles?
last night i thought life would be so much better when i'm done with paper 1.i am so wrong...cos i feel no relief at all after this paper.infact i feel no joy or satisfaction at completing this paper.the burden of the examinations seemed to be heavier after this paper..and the burning need to study is now so searing no amount of insulation can shield me from its scalding heat..shall i repeat those rhetorical questions? is this what life really is? have the past 6 years since i left the shores of primary school nothin more den an extension of my childhood, and now its the very beginning of LIFE?
cindy looked incredibly pale still..i guess.somehow a part of me felt shame and guilt for not seizing my fortunes and further my potential..but the other part seemed to throw all hands up in the air in resignation.
perhaps this isolation frm the rest is doin more harm den good.i've never felt more disconnected in my life..apart from the hellos and what's ups, the room is tremendously empty.not even the color of the walls deserve mention..but its too late to change this..is it?
peace..